Twisted Fairy Tales 4: Toxicoda Reeks
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Hannah McBride and Alex Perkins. Words: 28, Words: 49, Published: December 9, Published: December 5, In a strange town called Rusty Springs live people and witches and a talkative chess-playing badger. Ducks play football, rats have televisions and bridges fall out of the sky. Squirrels do magic tricks, witches cast horrible spells and umpteen legends are born at the drop of a hat in Wonderful Grove Park.
It's rated 8 out of 10 for humour and 11 out of 10 for craziness. Words: 5, Published: November 26, You might well know these tales but have never heard them told like this before! Read and enjoy them all. Words: 6, Published: November 22, Published: November 14, Words: 46, Published: November 11, Home sweet home! Unfortunately the kitchen smells of salad. I never even knew that salad had a smell before Maggie turned up. I bloody hate salad to be honest.
I hate fruit as well actually. Try spending a day metal detecting after only eating a bowl of salad. Can you imagine an army in medieval times trying to fight a battle after a banquet of lettuce? Salad probably became fashionable in Italy and then the once invincible Roman legions got battered and driven back across Europe to Rome, dropping their helmets, spears, and coins on their way for me to find a few thousand years later.
Julius Caesar must be turning in his posh grave, cursing the invention of lettuce and cucumber under his ghostly breath.
Or was that the Greeks? The girlfriend is relaxing, her short dark hair falling onto her plump and pretty face as she frowns and squints at me through her glasses. The TV has some soap opera on it with a farmer grumbling about cows and feed or something. Its rubbish but the girlfriend enjoys it which distracts her enough for me to go out metal detecting for the day.
I reach into me pocket and pull out my find of the day, a mud encrusted silver ring. I found it! Maggie shows a faint glimmer of interest then suddenly reaches over and plucks it out of my hands like a half starved Bear Grylls about to eat a tarantula. I wonder if we can get it made round again? Maggie stares at the ring dubiously and wrinkles her nose up in apparent disgust before tossing it back to me with a casual disinterested flick of her wrist. But I want to be in the fresh air darling, in touch with nature and where only the squirrels fart.
You mean like a homeless person? Maggie makes a quick lunge towards me and plucks her gay pink baseball cap off my head with the speed of an Olympic rattlesnake. I lean over and kiss her cheek but she pushes me away and mumbles something about muddy clothes and a shower. Probably someone sending you more junk, or have you ordered another coin cleaning DVD for your sad collection? The sarcastic bitch!
The jiffy bag is very thin but sealed with lots of packing tape. I rip open the package and find a letter and a small bundle of kitchen roll inside. The letter is written in that curly and shaky scribble writing that very old people use, you know the kind that takes forever to read. Please accept my apologies for writing to you completely out of the blue. I live not far from you in Wakefield. But back in the s I was a bit of a scoundrel it shames me to say. That is where my story begins. In there was a robbery from a famous jewellery shop in central London called Straffords Diamonds.
It was probably before you were even born. It was headline news at the time but the thieves escaped and the diamonds were never recovered.